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Aug 7 09 10:30 PM
I had the privilege of having third row seats at a Sonny and Cher concert during their heyday together. He was a much better performer and singer than anyone
gave him credit for and as always Cher was awesome. In light of what happened to poor Sonny I am so glad I had the opportunity to see them together on stage.
It was a great night.
Aug 21 09 6:06 PM
Nov 22 09 5:13 PM
Multiple narrative: Rod Serling, Jack Webb, Eric Severeid or Daffy
THE CLICHE "IMAGINE IF YOU WILL":
You're 45. You're a recovering alcoholic - just
over a year sober. You're divorced - and somewhat fresh from a stint in a Chicago suburban halfway house - where you learned about patience, humility,
gratitude and perspective. You're now living in Colorado around the corner from your Mother. You commute to work by a super adapted mountain bike (and then
bus) in sub-zero ski terrain because you can't afford a car. You've got a job - a good one - with the county transit authority (a comedy in itself). And importantly, you've finally understood that your
intellectual paralysis is permanent - and not alcohol induced. You're an "f'in" existential medium and suddenly straight enough to recognize
A bunch of "helpful"spirits follow you around,
while you struggle to avoid the liquor store. Some of these voices sound oddly familiar. Somehow you've become a side-kick to a group of stand-ups without
a paying audience. You're a butt of jokes and the kneed of nudges. "Whose Driving Mit Daisy?" is the
consistent question of the day. Don't get me wrong - it's entertaining, but it's frustrating. (Nobody hears 'em except you.) Oh and some of
'em are famous. But if you talk about it, people will think you're drinking again. I mean, face it, your track record SUCKS! You're second-guessed
all the time as it is. So, you keep quiet about the whole thing and constantly fight a crooked church mouse smirk - as you space yourself around some
"khar-meedic" curmudgeon. Meanwhile, you're pushed and pulled by passing strands of unearthly
multi-level magneticity as you grossly groom internal gas with each new electrical surge. In other words, you talk with your ass and it comes out with
Your typical day is a paranormal circus - you can't
scratch your behind or have a morning cup of coffee before someone cues the next atomic cloud or other mental
with an Earthquake!" - REM sounds off the clock radio. Then it begins.
THEM _"Incoming … Radar …"
ANOTHER ONE OF THEM _"Hey, are
the lights on today?" "Is anybody home? R-e-d
r-u-m. R-e-d r-u-m."
ANOTHER ONE OF THEM _ "Where's your secret window?"
ANOTHER ONE "What'cha doin?
MISERY loves company…"
ANOTHER ONE _ "Is Carol Ann
ONE _"Give me back my golden finger!"
YOU: _ "F you."
OF THEM _"Time to make the donuts".
ONE _ "Don't you mean a Tom Collins?"
ONE _ "I think you mean a Harvey
FIRST ONE WHO
SPOKE (along with game show bell sound): _ "I think we have a Match!"
GUY (Vale): _ "Holes at
YOU _"Shut the hell up -ALL OF YA!"
FIRST ONE WHO
SPOKE (once more mumbling): "I'M ALWAYS SECOND FIDDLE.
… I'M GONNA KILL HAWK-EYE."
Your greeting committee chuckles.
***You go to the kitchen to make some coffee. You do
decide to consider a pastry.
THEM _"I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Where's Jack La Lane?" (Sounds like La Lane)
YOU _"F you."
THEM _"Somebody get me a glass of water."
ONE _" Do you have any
ONE _ "Oh Lucy …!!!"
ONE _"Well - "HOW
ONE _ "I'll take flap jacks!"
ONE: _ "No Coke, --- Pepsi."
BEFORE (after a door knock) _ "Candy Man - uh I mean - uh - Gram.
(with a "T" and "X" emphasis) "Your cat looks like a tumble weed from a tide box."
You ignore this.
THEM _ "Can you patch me through to Lisa Douglas?
ONE _"I came for d' keys to the
ONE _ "Do you represent the lollipop kids?
ONE _ "Is this the Overlook? What do you pay for this place way up
YOU Well, $ ____.
ONE: _ "What? !!!!!!!?????"
YOU "It's worth it - for this view and
…. this pattern of isolation."
ONE _ "Well, let me be Frank. Hey -
HOLY CRAP - my finger's on fire!"
YOU "Shut THE F' UP!"
(The Doors play
"People Are Strange")
You go take a shower.
You're in the shower. You think about the day ahead. You think about the work you have to do. And then you
think to yourself that the water is kinda hot.
ONE OF THEM
(with the sound of a wince):
_"How hot is it?"
OF THEM _ "Need any shower rings? Double as an earring!"
ONE _"I come to see de Sheriff."
ONE: _ "What light from yonder window
ONE: _" And so do go the hands of
_"What's up Honeychild?"
ONE _ "Did somebody order a set of bookends?"
ONE _"You're a HONKY!"
ONE _ "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!"
YOU _ "Shut the hell UP!"
Fill Up My Senses" becomes the background hymn. ( your radio's off) …a familiar folk artist continues ..
"Let me drown in your laughter - let me die in your arms…."
YOU _ "Oh, GOD!!"
(kind of old, with a smoky blowing breath) _
RESONATING POWERFUL FROM BEHIND THE BUSH KIND OF VOICE _ "Good morning. Customer
Service is fairly happy. Points are up - but be patient. Just remember GOD in all things. Do this and
flourish amid your weakness. God, the Father, maker of heaven and ear -
YOU _ "Were you the announcer for Saturday Night
THE SAME LOW
TONAL VOICE _ "Uh … no."
YOU _ "Are you the guy who played
God's voice in the movie "Moses"?"
AGAIN (NOW AN ANGRY GOD - speaking with an
echo through the canyon kind of sound)): _ "NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
AWARENESS _ "O."
THEM _ "Hey - You've been a good player. Tell you what I'm gonna
YOU _ "What are ya, Monty
ONE A chuckle
YOU: _"Whoops - wait a minute."
YOU _"What? You got something under your
box? What is it? --WAIT!!! WAIT!!! WAIT!!!… I'll definitely take the curtain!"
background music : "My Morning Jacket" by Evil Urges)
You're ready to leave for work.
"Tour bus is leaving! Did you feed the cat? Are you wearing that? You look fat. I'm just saying. Where's your smile? Where's your
YOU _ "F you."
THEM _ "What, are you -
OF THEM _ "I'm coming
YOU _ "I thought Beetle Juice stayed home."
VOICE _"I'm wearing my pink Chiffon skirt so I can get the hell out of
VOICES ( yelling at camera?) _"HE'S NOT DEAD EITHER!!!"
VOICE _ "Close your trapper!"
VOICE _ "Have a nice day."
YOU _ "Ditto."
VOICE _ "Can I sleep in your
"SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, LET THE BOY SLEEP IN YOUR BED!"
CARLIN "Shut the mother _ _ _ _ _ _ _
YOU _"Might as well grab my card
table, my coffee can & my Minnie Pearl hat."
OF THEM _ "Get your ear muffs!"
YOU _ "I will."
AGAIN _ "Get your ear muffs!"
YOU _ " I WILL!"
A NEW ONE: _"Get over here and kiss
YOU: _ "I would if I knew where the hell you
ONE (with a bar rag laid softly over his graying curiosity): _"My God, how do you find the door?"
YOU _"I don't know, in some ways
I see more."
You start your bike ride down the long, steep, icy, snowy
hill - exactly 2 miles to the nearest bus stop.
(Elton John's Take Me to the Pilot plays in the background.)
THEM _ "Are we in Wisconsin?"
ONE WITH A DUDE HAT _ "It ain't Kansas,
ONE _ "Ouch! This seat is a pain in the pa-tOO-ski.
HEY !!!!!!!!! THAT'S NOT A HAND WARMER!"
ONE _ "Slow down, it's icy! Has the plow
been through yet?"
AGAIN _" What's that blue light up ahead?
.. . Is that a cop or an orb?"
ONE _ "Do you have a dentist? How far are we
from Glenwood? Where's Earp? This is funny!"
DIFFERENT ONE OF THEM _ "Where's my chariot? Where's the f'n gun club?"
YOU _ "SHUT UP! ShUT UP! SHUT UP!"
ONE _ "Do you know where you are?
YOU "No, I Dunt."
(a sharp red head) _ "I heard that."
(from the handle bars): _ "Well I sointenly do."
ONE OF THE
ONES YOU HEARD WAY EARLIER: _"You know
you're head'n down the hill like a three wheeled roller skate."
AGAIN: _ "Have you seen the Continental Divide yet?"
PRESENT: _"Uh ... no. No - nope. Not me.
AGAIN: _"Well I did. …. She works at a truck stop in Pinos Altos."
_ "Hey - turn this cab around!"
YOU: _ "Will you p-l-e-a-s-e Shut up!"
(music plays "Isn't it a Lovely Ride" by James Taylor
****You arrive at the Park -n -Ride. Thorough thoughts are
impossible. The bull shit in your mind's ear is multiplying. It's just a jibber jabber, tongue-in-cheek, head-in-ass kind of day.
You board the bus for a brief ride: "Magic Bus - Oh Magic Bus!" (bus radio)
(making your way down the aisle): _"Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me ..."
THEM _ "Hey! Watch it! Hey!"
YOU _ "Sorry - didn't see
THEM __"Talk to me! Talk to me!"
YOU __ "WHAT!!!!!??? Don't tell
me - you're dead."
THEM __ "Well - what do you want us to say?"
YOU _ "Sometimes - people just tell me I have a bug up my
AGAIN _"OH - hey…if one orifice closes , does another one open?"
THEM _ "Well,
(_"It's about time you wrote me in.")
THEM _"Ya - Shut up!."
FAMILIAR ONE _"Hey -What's "Free
You roll your eyes.
AGAIN _ " A t-shirt for tax evasion."
(you hear giggles…)
A BUNCH OF
THEM: _"Hey look - it's Sonny Bono!"
(looking around): _"Where
THEM _"Back there - next to Dudley
(still looking around): _
FROM THE BACK OF THE BUS "Very funny!
verybody's a comedium!"
(1) OF THOSE
VOICES _ "Get me a Gin. Where's
Newman's music: "Short people got no reason …")
***You get to work and you have to pee. You're late - you have
to hurry. You punch in and run to the rest room. All the stalls are empty. You step in (on) and position yourself - and
then you hear a cough. What? There's nobody else in the bathroom, right? You peek under, no shoes. You pee quickly, flush and step out. You feel like
Seinfeld. You look carefully around and then the thought hits …. OH MY GOD.!!! There's a ghost in the -LA-T-R-I-N-E!!!! You hear more low chuckles.
YOU - "Cut it out!.
You've still got to go -so you step back in and sit
down. Quietly you pause and listen for that personal, PEACEFUL, subtle joy. Bottom line, your life of sobriety is going swell. You're thankful everyday you
quit drinking. The promises are coming true. HEAVEN CAN WAIT. It did!
ONE OF THEM _ "Well - laa dee frick'n dah!"
ANOTHER ONE :
_ "You just made my day."
OF THEM _ "Hey - Call Ashford & Simpson!"
ANOTHER ONE: " _"Welcome to the Gunflint Trail!"
ONE (to tune): _"I never would've believed it if I'd seen it with my own two eyes.!"
ONE _"Do I NEED TO SIGN A LOG?"
ANOTHER ONE _ "HELLO! This is Haareee Caareee - along with Mel Torme and Jack Brickhouse."
YOU _ "Shut up!"
ONE FROM BEFORE _"SON-OF-A-BITCH! SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
Caray _"HOLY COW!!!!!"
YOU "Shut the f UP!"
ANOTHER ONE: _ "Whatever Shakespeare."
Now playing in the
background: Peter Gabriel's "Steam"
You finally sit down at your desk within Administration at
the local transit authority … where comedy now ensues.
YELLS "HEY Paratransit needs a clipboard - but - who's gonna carry
Fade to Wrigley Field wall.
From R.E.M.'S Hollow Man: "Believe in me. Believe in
nothing. Corner me. Make me something. I've become the hollow man I see. …. I don't want to be a hollow
By Jill Ann Fryklund - written in the past year of 2009
Sep 1 10 6:04 PM
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